Some Like It Hot...

Hey there readers!

It's great to have a space like this where we can let it all hang out, buddy. It's the only forum where I can express my true self without fear of judgment or condemnation because I know what open minded, unconditionally accepting folk you all are. The big news this week is that my chastity has been broken – no, demolished in one scandalous sojourn to the gay beach near Mornington Peninsula. I know it must be a shock to you all and I can hardly believe it myself but it was too wild to imagine! One minute I was rolling out my towel and slapping on sunscreen , the next thing I was being mauled by a Scorpio/Scorpio rising Macedonian stud in the sand dunes. The esky full of mangoes and melons was flying everywhere, the toasted sandwiches were squashed beneath our ass and the carrot cake was pounded into the dirt.

We rolled around under that beach umbrella like two giant sandcrabs with our arms and legs tangled together, like some weird sea creature washed upon the shore. The nudist colony could hardly believe their eyes – it was live pornography, man! It started with a bit of slip, slop, slap and ended in hardcore slap and tickle. We hauled ass into the surf to simmer down but the passion was relentless. We surfed each other like boogie boards and our mouths were glued together like suction caps. It was impossible to tear us apart, buddy. We were biting and scratching and splashing away in the surf – thank God no one got the wrong idea and thought we were struggling in some kind of rip! Then again, there were two naked blokes standing by in baseball caps, shaking their heads in disbelief. Some of these naturalists are clearly offended by frisky boys giving their recreational sport a bad reputation by turning the practice into a no holds barred sex romp! We pulled apart before the coast guard shouted at us through a loudspeaker and I swam into the depths like a mermaid who had lost his virginity all over again.

Why didn't you tell me what I was missing out on, buddy? We spent the afternoon strolling up and down the beach, hand in hand while men and women with sagging breasts and dimpled buttocks sprawled on the sand in the sweltering heat – with suntan lotion and beads of sweat rolling down their pudgy physiques. We watched the sky fade to pink and purple as the sun drifted beneath the horizon and tiny yachts sailed past with naked men drinking beer with their testicles dangling between their legs. Public nudity is so liberating, man – it might even try it at the local supermarket this evening!

Unfortunately Mr T is still not out to his parents so I was left at the ice cream parlour, flirting with an Italian Stallion while he sneaked home and stole the keys to the family holiday house. After we figured out how to break in and turn on the lights, we spent the night camped on the floor with the sound of the waves crashing in the distance. I woke up with severe gravel rash and carpet burns on my knees and I've spent the last week in hiding, licking my wounds. It certainly was a night to remember and it came as no surprise when I realised it was the full moon the day before and this guys was a double Scorpio sex fiend – I'm lucky I got away with a few grazes, man!

Can you believe I actually got laid a few days after I stopped at a new age store and a lady by the name of Carol nearly spat her coffee everywhere when I told her how long I'd been celibate? She sold me the biggest piece of Rose Quartz she could find and shoved her tantric sex business card in my hand – she even offered me a fantastic discount. She's gonna be so excited when I tell her the news. It's great to finally get some relief after all these years and to know that celibacy is not for me – public nudity and wild sex rocks, buddy. Maybe the tone of these blogs will start to shift now I've been satisfied or maybe it's the start of something truly perverse – you'll have to wait and see readers!

In the meantime, my affairs continue online with Mighty Mouse, Mattchewy and Slippery Fish. They all seem like lovely guys but who knows if we'll ever take the plunge and meet up. It's a strange phenomena, getting attached to strange men in cyberspace, not knowing if you have a genuine connection in reality. I love being witty, charming and articulate online because I know how awkward and tongue tied I am in reality – these boys think I'm so cool, calm and collected and that cracks me up, buddy. I don't know how I'll ever come clean. One boy I talk to now and then is only 21 and hails from a family of devout Christians and med students. He's a real sweet Chinese boy who looks great in his jocks but way too innocent for this old purve. He writes me every day without fail and I fear nothing will make him stop, man. He's got such little life experience – I don't even think he's been drunk. At the same time, he says he can empathise with my life experience because he watches Oprah and Doctor Phil and that's so sweet even though it's the funniest thing I ever heard.

To change the subject, I caught up with Ms Obedie and da Sunshine crew a few weeks ago for Ms Obedie's 33rd birthday bash. I stopped of at Williamstown Beach to check out the spunks in speedos that day before catching the train to the wild wild west. Some poor soul hurled themselves onto the tracks and that delayed my arrival somewhat. I spent half an hour staring at the stunning scenery of abbatoirs, factories and refineries before they hosed down the tracks and we chugged along to our destination. The party was a low key affair. I was expecting to hear AC/DC and Metallica blaring down the street and a guy with long hair and a packet of cigarettes stuffed up his sleeve at the door. Instead, I was greeted by our lovely girlfriend - next - door, Mel who pecked me on the cheek, smelling of lovely Impulse deodorant. From that point it was one vodka after another and the afternoon evaporated like my brain cells in the sultry Sunshine heat. I was spread eagle on a banana lounge somewhere in the veggie patch. Mel's sweet little puppy, Fergus was nipping our toes and slurping watermelon from our plates. The poor little thing was being suffocated beneath a giant bean bag and passed from one intoxicated guest to another like a newborn baby!

Ms Obedie topped up our shot glasses with peppermint liqueur and rolled around the grass sighing with relief after surviving another year as a wife, mother and career woman – I don't know how she does it, man. It must've been nine o'clock by the time we started our tribute to you and 80's electronica, buddy. There were tracks from The Human League, Yazoo, Kim Wilde and Scritti Politti as well as 'Obsession' - the saucy soundtrack from that awful movie with a teacher, a student, a penis and a motor bike? You were the toast of the evening, buddy. Last drinks were called in your honour and the rest of the night was a blur!!

Love to you all,
JJ
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